What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 06:54
But it wasn’t much.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We were not on the streets..
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I have a "fat pussy" and I'm super self cautions about it. Do guys think it's gross?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I have no regrets .
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He knew the spot.
And i lived it daily.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
All the time i was locked up.
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Why did i forgive my father ?
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But ive been too sick for many years..
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So whats the point in blame.
But, we were locked up after school.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Would this be the day?
I could never make a relationship work though!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As i do to all so called friends.?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Ive learnt so much.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Who then, do I blame.?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I said to her
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She found it foreign!.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We all went to grammer schools
I was very sick at this time too.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She wouldn,t have been !
She married twice! .
What did i know ?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She loved him until the end.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
It was going to be , some day.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Was to survive, this bastard.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Comes on , in middle age.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Put me off passion for life!!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I waited trembling.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One cannot live in the past .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was scared of men, in general
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She was in good health!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
(And it was in our own minds.)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I don,t even have a pension.
So, i spoilt her more .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
When she asked me how she looked .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was 9 years of age.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I write beautiful poetry .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I think the readers, may guess!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
On the 31st of Jan this month .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was seconnd youngest,
My life is so biszare .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
This is soul school!.
My family never makes their pension either.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im still living with it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I will be 64.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.